I have trusted Him with my deepest fears and He has not disappointed.
So here I am, two weeks in after being told I have breast cancer. Yes, it has been diagnosed early. Yes, it is contained and has most likely not spread. Yes, I know it could be much worse. But the initial shock of a definitive cancer diagnosis is nonetheless frightening. And my emotions have followed suit and taken a ride.
In the midst of emotional unheaval, I have learned some things.
1. How to wait. At first I imagined the worst. Appointment #1 (surgeon) relieved those worst fears. Appointment #2 (geneticist) raised new questions but initiated more waiting. Appointment #3 (breast center) answered questions I didn’t even know to ask. Then more waiting. Waiting for genetics results. Waiting for surgery scheduling. Waiting for more appointments. It’s in those envelopes of waiting that I tend to wonder … and wander.
2. It is ok (and normal) to wonder. I wonder about all the what-ifs. I wonder about my family. I wonder about reoccurrence. I wonder about treatment options. I wonder if I am making the best decisions. I wonder if I am overreacting. I wonder if it is ok to wonder.
3. I am prone to wander. I wander up and down the emotional spectrum. I’ve wandered through trust, faith, and courage. I’ve wandered through fear, anxiety, doubt. And God has brought me back full circle to courage, strength, and peace fueled by faith in His only Son, Jesus. Knowing His promises are true. Knowing He will never leave me. Knowing He is good, and just and loves perfectly. Knowing His ways are higher than mine. Knowing He can be trusted.
4. Trust is Deeper. It has become deeper than simply knowing all this about God. It is not limited to head knowledge. It is much more foundational. My knowledge of His Word, His promises, is much more real. My belief in His goodness is much deeper. I have felt the emotional highs and lows of fear, and have come through knowing He is good. There just aren’t words to describe this kind of knowing, this deeper trust. I have trusted Him with my deepest fears and He has not dissappointed. He has not turned away.
5. Everything is already ok. He is still there, loving me, protecting me, holding me. Lifting my head to look into His face. Gently wiping my tears, calming my fears and telling me it is ok. And not only that everything WILL BE ok, but it already IS ok. I do not have to be afraid, but even when I am, He will hold me. He will not turn away. He is not dissappointed in me for acknowledging my fears amd doubts. And everything IS ok.
6. True peace. This is peace. A uniquely different kind of peace. One that makes no sense from an earthly perspective. One that is independent of circumstances or outcome. One that is beyond comprehension, but no less real. It is the peace that can only be found in trusting, and resting in, the One who makes everything ok.