Waiting is hard.
When I first heard that statement after being diagnosed with breast cancer, it was in reference to waiting for the initial visit with the breast surgeon, and all the answers that would bring. Little did I know, that was only the first of many waits I would experience throughout this journey.
My most recent wait, involved a unique situation. I finally made it to the big surgery day. Bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction using my own tissue. I had spent so much time prior to surgery second-guessing my decisions, that by the time surgery day rolled around, I was emotionally exhausted and ready to get it done and behind me. However, plans change. As I was being prepped for surgery the nurse routinely administered an anticoagulant (heparin). Being a carrier for hemophilia, I have sufficiently lower clotting factor, which would prevent the use heparin. Needless to say, my surgeons made the decision to postpone surgery. It would end up being three more weeks of waiting until the rescheduled surgery. Three weeks of me not necessarily waiting well.
I don’t wait well.
Multiple times I have recently told friends that I don’t wait well. As true as it is, that phrase makes me squirm just a little. Every single time. I should wait well. I should be at peace. I should be content in whatever situation I find myself. I feel guilty for not waiting well. Maybe God is using the waits to teach me how to wait well? If so, then I need to learn quickly. So I am now impatiently learning how to be patient. I think that’s somehow like a double negative. It doesn’t work.
Ah, but God.
How He knows me so well. He know my impatience. He knows my thoughts even before I think them. And He knows how to most efficiently and effectively mold me into one who waits well. So I began to wonder if it is a matter of trust; if I am not fully trusting God. What I am doing wrong?
As if it is all up to me.
No, it really isn’t a matter of trust for me. It is a matter of perspective. It is a matter of attitude. And it is a matter of using my time wisely. It is seeing the glass half full, instead of half empty. It is fighting through the disappointment with joy and thankfulness. And it is living through the waits with worship, instead of worry. It is thriving instead of just surviving through the waits.
No, I haven’t done a stellar job of waiting. In all honesty, I haven’t sincerely pushed through the disappointment with joy, or chosen worship over passivity. On the outside, I’ve put on a smile and said all the right words. But my insides haven’t always matched my outsides. Yes, sometimes I do have to fake it until I can make it. But, to make it, and to make it real, I have to choose well. I have to choose well to wait well.