​​Waiting is hard. Immediately after my breast cancer diagnosis, I began to wait. First, I waited for the initial appointment with the breast surgeon. Next, I waited for more results. Then for more appointments. Little did I know, this was only the beginning of many waits I would experience throughout this journey.

My most significant wait, involved a unique situation. I finally made it to the big surgery day. Bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. It would be a long surgery involving multiple doctors, so I had to wait for everything to be coordinated and scheduled. I spent so much time prior to surgery second-guessing my decisions, that by the time surgery day rolled around, I was emotionally exhausted and ready to get it done and behind me. However, plans change.

I am a genetic carrier for hemophilia, which means I have a significantly reduced blood clotting factor. This can potentially cause problems with surgery. When I noticed the pre-op nurse’s expression change as she was reading my chart, I immediately suspected a change in plans. Sure enough, she had routinely administered an anticoagulant. Needless to say, my surgeons made the decision to postpone surgery. It would end up being three more weeks of waiting until the rescheduled date. I soon realized I don’t wait well.

I don’t wait well. Multiple times I’ve told friends that I don’t wait well. As true as it is, that phrase makes me squirm just a little. Every single time. I mean, I should wait well. I should be at peace. I should be content in whatever situation I find myself. And I feel guilty for not waiting well.

But maybe God is using my waiting to teach me how to wait well. If so, then I need to learn quickly because I am very impatiently learning how to be patient. I think that’s somehow like a double negative. And it doesn’t work.

Ah, but God. How He knows me so well. He know my impatience. He knows my thoughts even before I think them. And He knows how to most efficiently and effectively mold me into one who waits well. I began to wonder. If it is a matter of trust–if I am not fully trusting God–what I am doing wrong? Then it hits me. I am thinking about this as if it is all about me!

But it is not about me at all! It is about Who I have already put my trust in. The True and Faithful One, Jesus Christ, who will never abandon me. And it is a matter of perspective. It is a matter of attitude. And it is a matter of using my time wisely. It is seeing the glass half full, instead of half empty. It is fighting through disappointment with joy and thankfulness. And it is living through the waits with worship, instead of worry. It is thriving instead of just surviving through the waits, replying on Jesus for strength and patience.

No, I haven’t done a stellar job of waiting. In all honesty, I haven’t always pushed through the disappointment with joy, or chosen worship over passivity. On the outside, I’ve put on a smile and said all the right words. But my insides don’t always matched my outsides. Yes, sometimes I do have to fake it until I can make it. But, to make it, and to make it real, I have to choose well. I have to choose well to wait well.